On the surface I appear to be a kind, loving person and I am, but recently I have had to face the truth of who I am. That part of me that isn't kind and loving. I think I have lived in fear of being all of who I am because of what I think others may think or say about me. I have lived small my whole life and those around me didn't even realize it. I had become an amazing actress. See from a young age I felt I had to do and be what others expected of me. I became so good at this I even fool myself sometimes. I am not going to go into the whole story of my childhood but I'll start about one year ago...
I had some amazing new friends come into my life and they gave us a DVD to watch about personalities. It may seem simple but this event has changed the course of my life. We watched this DVD and I went into a tailspin. I took the whole thing and decided that I had the worst personality ever! I was quite dramatic about it. But as I spoke with these friends and my sweet husband, Jason I realized that no personality is good or bad; right or wrong, just different. The world needs every personality type. We all have strengths and weaknesses and we balance each other out.
But this is not about my personality, it is about who I am. This past year I have been learning and growing tremendously. I took a good hard look at myself and the way I was living my life. I realized I was doing and saying somethings that did not work.
In fact I was not doing and saying things that needed to be said and done. I learned, or rediscovered that I have been lacking in my communication skills, especially with Jason. I had not been honest with him about a lot of things in my life. I do and say what I think the other person wants. So he didn't know how I felt or what I was doing. How could he I had become an amazing actress, like I said.
I finally decided to lay it all on the line and be honest, with myself first and then with Jason and finally with the world. I have caused a great deal of pain and heartache as a result of my deceitful behaviors and my lack of honest communication.
I was using spending and money as a tool to cope with the stresses of my life instead of communicating and being honest with the person closest to me. He was hurt and angry. But I won't tell his story, just mine. The entries to follow are about my journey to find my own love and light.
